Like a feather in the wind....

I am the author of my words.  No one can speak for me nor see the torment I am suffering.  I, Craig Adams, have destroyed the best thing I ever had in my life.  I make no excuses.  I don't pretend to be happy. I have surmised a few lame reasons to explain to myself why I did what I did.  I have 5 wonderful children that will never understand why.  I have 5 grandchildren that I love and miss every day, along with their parents.  I cannot explain the final straw that broke our marriages back, but even after all is said and done... I know I cannot make things right.  No matter what I do, the damage is forever.  All I can do and ask the same of those I have disappointed is ask forgiveness and to move on.  I, along with many of those in my family, have dwelt on the past for much longer than is necessary.  I didn't realize it as sharply than as I did today when I read my daughter Amanda's words in her blog titled "My Dad".... I am beside myself... How could things like this be possible?  Why have we not learned as people that when we ache inside and the only escape is go contrary to everything one has espoused in life,  that it is in that moment of despair that we should stop and walk with them, hold their hand and elevate them back to normalcy?

I caused so much heartache and grief I have contemplated the value of me taking up space and breathing on this earth. I don't know that I am of any value to anyone.  I used to have "friends" that I felt would stand by me no matter what.  YES I messed up!  Does that mean I should not be able to still be their friend? Does it mean I should be shunned and not be able to have someone to turn to except a stranger that accepts me for who and what I am?  I think its wrong what I did.  I also think people have no clue on how to handle things when things like this happen.  I don't blame anyone but myself, but for the few people that DIDN'T dump me in the trash, I thank you. My siblings and my mom... have not left me.  I thank you.  I have new people in my life that are true friends.  I thank you. I have been so torn on how to make relationships better, that I make mistakes and it hurts everyone all over again. For that also, I am sorry.

For those of you that pretend to once have been my friends... I will miss you more than you know.  And you know who you are.  I wish things could have been different.