Like a feather in the wind....

I am the author of my words.  No one can speak for me nor see the torment I am suffering.  I, Craig Adams, have destroyed the best thing I ever had in my life.  I make no excuses.  I don't pretend to be happy. I have surmised a few lame reasons to explain to myself why I did what I did.  I have 5 wonderful children that will never understand why.  I have 5 grandchildren that I love and miss every day, along with their parents.  I cannot explain the final straw that broke our marriages back, but even after all is said and done... I know I cannot make things right.  No matter what I do, the damage is forever.  All I can do and ask the same of those I have disappointed is ask forgiveness and to move on.  I, along with many of those in my family, have dwelt on the past for much longer than is necessary.  I didn't realize it as sharply than as I did today when I read my daughter Amanda's words in her blog titled "My Dad".... I am beside myself... How could things like this be possible?  Why have we not learned as people that when we ache inside and the only escape is go contrary to everything one has espoused in life,  that it is in that moment of despair that we should stop and walk with them, hold their hand and elevate them back to normalcy?

I caused so much heartache and grief I have contemplated the value of me taking up space and breathing on this earth. I don't know that I am of any value to anyone.  I used to have "friends" that I felt would stand by me no matter what.  YES I messed up!  Does that mean I should not be able to still be their friend? Does it mean I should be shunned and not be able to have someone to turn to except a stranger that accepts me for who and what I am?  I think its wrong what I did.  I also think people have no clue on how to handle things when things like this happen.  I don't blame anyone but myself, but for the few people that DIDN'T dump me in the trash, I thank you. My siblings and my mom... have not left me.  I thank you.  I have new people in my life that are true friends.  I thank you. I have been so torn on how to make relationships better, that I make mistakes and it hurts everyone all over again. For that also, I am sorry.

For those of you that pretend to once have been my friends... I will miss you more than you know.  And you know who you are.  I wish things could have been different.

Where in the world...

Is the person that should be updating this blog? Just have other concerns right now... but stay tuned and we'll get back on track. The garden is growing and I am looking forward to the first tomatoes. We had radishes, carrots, two types of lettuce, and a few potatoes so far but I am excited to get the cucumbers and tomatoes. It won't be long.

April 22

Hopefully grandma Bev comes home today from the hospital. It's been an ordeal to say the least. I never had felt how it would be to lost a parent but I came as close to that this week than at any other time. I think it would be different if she had lived to a ripe old age and then passed away the same way it is for a parent to lose a child. When things happen out of order, as life in general really is, we get frustrated and feel helpless trying to cope with the sudden change in life. We even might think we are cursed because 'life' happens. It has been an eye opening experience to me. The thought comes to mind that this world is a never ending series of mundane events that matter very little until they happen to us. I think I could come up with a better way to say it, but I am tired. I think I need to take a long walk and a long nap.

Mom's update

This week has been a roller coaster. Mom was hospitalized on Tuesday with symptoms of pneumonia and labored breathing. She seemed to just stabilize until Thursday evening when she was moved to ICU and later put on a breathing tube. Her status is steady and will be sedated for the next couple of days. You can get updates on her status at http://bevwatkins.blogspot.com

Hawaii - What a trip

Pam and I were able to go to Hawaii. It was a very enjoyable trip. It was my first visit to the islands and Pam's second... but that was a long time ago, when palm trees were not even a twinkle in a coconut's eyes. (I feel so Michael Scottish - mate). Anyhow, we had a little adventure on the plane leaving from Phoenix. It had to be set down in LA for 'something' that they never told us about. So, we waited and waited and waited some more in the LAX terminal. After 6 hours of waiting we were shipped to another airline and did not arrive until dark in Honolulu. We were supposed to have arrived at noon. Day gone. Thank you Hawaiian Air. Same plane on the way home was delayed 4 hours. Nice aircraft. I guess any landing you can walk away from is a good landing but I hated missing a day in Hawaii and day less of sleep on the way home.

Jaclyn graduates from Weber State University!

Proud parents...

all the math is finally over.

Fall Break at Park City and Heber City

Fun to play with the camera
Cool picture

Jaclyn and Dave and Reese...

I say.. white women CAN jump